Agility can seriously damage your health
Since
starting Agility, Soraya Porter has discovered there are several, admittedly rare, complaints
peculiar to the sport. Sit back and enjoy this humour look at our sport which first appeared in
the Suffolk Five Rivers newsletter.
The first ailment that normally
develops is the common ‘Pointy Finger.' This is generally to be found in some part of the
canine action shots proudly displayed in photo albums. I challenge you to stop for a moment and
examine your snaps, both professional and amateur. Even though you may have managed to miss
your head, or other offending parts of your anatomy, from the picture, be assured the Pointy
Finger may well have crept in!
A
variation of this is the more flamboyant, and perhaps for this reason, less commonly captured
‘Aeroplane Arm(s)’ This involves more co-ordination along the lines of ‘patting your head and
rubbing your tummy’. As if steering your dog around an Agility course wasn’t challenging
enough; certain individuals can be seen doing Spitfire impersonations as they negotiate the
obstacles. Be warned if you have a sudden urge to call your dog ‘Biggles’ or ‘The Red Baron’
you may be incubating this disease.
Next up is a predominantly winter
ailment. Competitors for no obvious logical reason, suddenly launch into impromptu break
dancing sessions. Normally incited by the clogging up of studded trainers with the peculiarly
glutinous and greasy mud found only at Winter Match meetings, victims suddenly find themselves
capable of feats of athleticism that would challenge an Olympic gymnast.
These
sessions are often conducted at high speed which makes them very difficult to catch on camera!
They do, however, bring light relief on cold, wet or snowy days. If you see a competitor with a
long brown skid mark on their tracksuit bottoms (or waterproofs for the better prepared) then
you can be fairly sure that they have been playing to the crowd. However, before you become
addicted to this particular malady, do be aware that the rapid arm and leg movements tend to
baffle dogs and can encourage anarchy in your canine partner. I have yet to see a case of mud
induced break dancing lead to a rosette of any kind – but I’m willing to be proved wrong!
Dalmatianitis is next on the list.
Before you start writing letters of protest, this is in no way a slur on Dalmatians! Oh no!
It refers to the small to medium (depending on the size of the dog) generally circular, bruises
that your canine partner in crime inflicts on the strangest parts of your anatomy. Parts that
reason tells you a dog shouldn’t be able to reach - even at the height of their excitement at
being allowed to use you as a human springboard without reprisal. These bruises appear two to
three days after a doggy event and have been the cause of some consternation when the ‘Human
Springboard’ has to explain to their somewhat suspicious partner how those
bruises got there!
The best solution is to take your
partner with you so they can see for themselves. Otherwise the reply of 'The dog did it' can
sound lame at best, and at worst, may cause more than a few raised eyebrows!
Toilet humour
Returning to the myriad of problems that accompany the Winter Agility meetings we come to
the delicate matter of Underwear. Just ‘nipping to the loo’ takes on completely new dimensions
when you have to negotiate the layers of clothing you thought were such a good idea when you
got dressed in the dark at five in the morning.
Winter
competitions are not for the weak of bladder as it takes an average five to ten minutes to
remove the aforementioned layer in the cramped cubicle of the Ladies loo, particularly if you
don’t want any of your items of knitwear to end up down the loo!
Visits also need careful scheduling;
after all if you spend too long negotiating your thermals, your class might have finished. This
is particularly applicable to owners of mini/midi dogs on days of seriously foul weather. For
the image conscious among you I’m afraid sacrifices must be made. You must accept that you will
not emerge from the Conveniences in the same state of sartorial elegance that you went in.
Cramped conditions and an inbuilt inability to recreate the smooth seal where thermals and
outer layers meet, mean that after multiple cold or nerve induced visits, you will have an
outline and fashion flare of Worzel Gummidge!
A
word of dire warning here, which I can’t stress strongly enough: always, ALWAYS, zip your bum
bag containing your dog treats closed before visiting the lavatory. Dog treats in the knickers
are never to be recommended under ANY circumstances – particularly if it is liver cake! Not
only is it a possible contravention of the rules, but it is extremely uncomfortable. It’s
almost impossible to completely extract from the gusset once placed there, and you could be
accused of sabotaging other people’s dogs as you innocently pass by. If you find yourself
suffering from this agility ailment I suggest you seek immediate medical attention.
So there you have it; a list of the
more common agility induced perils – you have been warned. Prevention is better than cure...
About
the author...
Soraya
Porter trains 2-3 times a week
at three clubs - 5 Rivers, West Suffolk and Deben and
teaches regularly at two of the clubs. Last year, with the help of the ever supportive Ernie,
she managed to survive and pass the Agility Club Approved Instructors Course, which was a real
highpoint of my year
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