Life as seen through canine eyes

Some of the best jokes and funniest dog stories are now circulated around the world at the speed of light by the Internet. They appear in your Inbox, created unknown people around the world, worked and re-worked and then whisked off to friends and colleagues. So if you get a bit of doggie humour that you enjoy and think is really funny, share with the agility community. Email Agilitynet.

Things I MUST remember as a Dog

From Wendy Barker

1. The rubbish men are not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, fox pooh, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. Empty dog food tins, although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more tissues or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The nappy bin is not a biscuit jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am haemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my Mum's knickers and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum and Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the police officer's hand when he reaches in for Mum's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint-flavoured dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use ' a roll around in the dirt' as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

(01/09/01)

In the Beginning

By Anon

• On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
• On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
• On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
• On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
• On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
• On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Thanks to Kate Barratt for sending this little gem to Agilitynet. (31/01/01)

• No one expects you to take a bath every day.

• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner or anything else for that matter.

• When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

• If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

• It doesn't bother you if your favourite television show is a rerun.

• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

• Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas.

• A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.

• No one gets mad at you if you fall asleep while they're talking.

• As an adult, it's ok if you haven't amounted to anything except being a dog.

• The older you get, the more people respect you.

• You can sleep late every day.

• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.

• There's no such thing as bad food.

• You don't have to worry about good table manners.

• Someone else combs your hair.

• People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the wind in your hair.

• You're always excited to see the same old people.

• If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

• Everything smells good to you.

• A rubbish bin can is a fast-food stop.

• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

• No matter where you live, you own the place.

• Your mate never complains because you whine.

• Puppy love CAN last.

Author Unknown

Editor's note: Cute, huh???!

/.\  /.\
0
)(
If you can...

• Start the day without caffeine

• Get going without pills

• Always be cheerful and ignore aches and pains

• Resist complaining and boring people with your troubles

• Eat the same food every day and be grateful for it

• Understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you time

• Overlook it when those who you love take it out on you

• Take criticism and blame without resentment

• Ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him

• Resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend

• Face the world without lies and deceit

• Conquer tension without medical help

• Relax without alcohol

• Sleep without the aid of drugs

• Say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice

/.\  /.\
0
)(

Thanks to Jo Sermon via Heather Noddle for this insight!