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The Doggie Dirty Dozen
- Newspapers
If you have to go pee while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed
on the driveway every morning just for that purpose.
- Visitors
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, and
leap playfully on this person. If your human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick
his/her face and growl gently to show your concern.
- Licking
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans
always prefer clean tongues.
- Barking
Because we are dogs, we are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy
to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely
in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for humans than to keep waking up in the
middle of the night & hearing their protective dog barking and barking and . . .
- Holes
There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem. Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard & upsetting your humans,
dig a lot of small holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
- Doors
The area immediately in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep on.
Wag your tail so it makes tolerant, thumping sounds on the floor every time you are stepped
on.
- Sniffing
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
- Dining
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up
food when it starts to accumulate on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your
sniffing.
- Housebreaking
This is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
- Walks
When out for a walk with you master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
Always pick the nosy neighbor's yard.
- Couches
It is permissible to sleep on the new couch after your humans have gone to bed.
- C*ts
When chasing c*ts, never c*tch them. It spoils all the fun.
Gary Bogue, Columnist for The San Ramon Valley Times
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