A judge's nightmare
With an increasingly verbal agility population, show managers are finding that they can not be too careful in appointing judges. In addition to the usual problems with equipment hire, rosettes and burger vans, it can be difficult to find enough suitable judges for the rings. An experienced judge - who for obvious reasons prefers to remain anonymous - has submitted this draft Statutory Letter of Appointment, following a rather vivid dream. It may seem a bit extreme but, ask yourself, is this what our sport is coming to?
Thank you again for agreeing to judge at our show. I am pleased to confirm that your course plan has been accepted at club, area, regional and national level.
In line with EU rulings, men and women can wear skirts or trousers. Although not in the rules (as yet,) we would ask in the case of a man wearing a skirt, please could you please shave your legs, if very hairy. All skirts must be worn no more than 1in above the knee, but can be any distance lower down the leg.
Please find enclosed various forms [as per list below] for completion and return to me in the sae.
You will also be required to have a short interview with the registered counsellor to assess mental stability in relation to judging. Your appointment for this is 7.00am. For the club's part we have fulfilled the rules to have a qualified counsellor situated in a quiet private area for your use, should you be worried about post-traumatic stress, anger management or just need a friendly word with someone.
The enclosed standard issue health card has to be completed with all these results before 7.30am in order for the medical team to assess your fitness to judge.
You should also refrain from conversation with any competitor whilst judging and that includes engaging eye contact. I don’t think I need to remind you that your license will be endorsed for this infringement. We would also strongly advise that you do not be seen talking to any competitor on the day of judging as there have been reports of run rigging for the obvious huge sums payable to successful competitors.
We can also assure you that the security guards will be at your ring one hour before competition begins and will eject anyone from the venue who abuses you or your ring party. We actually have extended this rule to include anyone who does not smile at you and your ring party.
Standard electronic timing and CCTV [complete with sensitive microphone equipment] will be tested at 8.15 and as per the rules and regs the club will keep a copy of the video for seven years.
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